when a hockey mom rules the world...

let's forget the battles of democrats versus republicans, obama versus mccain, mental capacity versus ummm republicans for a quick moment and focus on the finer things in life - the world of hollywood. honestly, while i don't necessarily believe that The Impaler could save our current economic crisis, I do think she might be able to pack a theatre...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I Am Jack's Complete LACK of Surprise.

Click Here To See Why

A Courtesy Flush for The BPA

The Brighton Port Authority definitely deserves props for originality. Toe Jam is the second single and video release by BPA. Shot like a 1970s porno, Toe Jam, features a good looking cast of disrobed youths bounteously gyrating and wiggling to the title track. I certainly enjoyed the video, it's creative, funny, cleverly censored yet...naked. However, the song gets irritating after the first 30 seconds or so, though the video is definitely worth a run-through. I wonder what the FCC is thinking? Maybe they should inquire into Fatboy Slim's agenda: believing a collaboration between Bavid Bryne, Dizzee Rascal and himself was a good idea? I think not. BUT, the thought behind BPA as a vehicle for collaboration under false pretences is quite the idea. Will BPA encounter the same success as The Last Shadow Puppets? Alright, maybe that's not the best comparison but it will suffice. Anyway, "He's Frank," featuring Iggy Pop, is a much cooler track.

dont poop your pants

so much for exerting yourself though routine visits to the gym. reserve your mornings for sleeping in. you can now afford to hit the snooze button a few more times, grab a coffee, read the paper and make small talk with your friendly and unemployed neighbour.

just watch you dont poop your pants.

its not to say that the fear of shitting yourself isnt sufficient motivation to skip the fries and get a salad, but honestly, is this what we have resorted to? making ourselves vulnerable to a socially crippling situation just to shed those last 10 pounds we reluctantly became friends with in freshman year. i do give alli credit for just putting it out there. so when your sitting at work, mindlessly typing away at your computer and you uncontrollably fill your pants with the mornings breakfast, you cant say you didnt see it coming.

MSNBC: Diet pill’s icky side effects keep users honest

now that we are on the topic of poop, because it is not something you can just bring up whenever you want, when opportunity strikes i like to take full advantage...

i came across this gem of a diagram on wikipedia. seriously, wikipedia what cant you help me with? can you imagine being the young and inspired designer who was commissioned to mock up heaton and lewis' seven varieties of human shit. the title for this well sculpted diagram: entirely liquid. i couldnt have said it better myself.

but pooping these days is serious business. i went to school with the daughter of a shopping channel superstar and founder of one of those muscle massaging machines that you hook up to and effortlessly lose weight, tone and massage those hard to reach places. steph and i were at a dinner, more like an extended interview, for a marketing job at some multinational pop company. im sure we were enjoying the free wine a little too much, because we casually got on the topic of the importance of bowl movements. we talked about shitting like we were fucking experts.

its probably a bad career move and just poor manners to start talking about poo at the dinner table. But the office wasnt even in the city and i couldnt see myself living in the suburbs or commuting an hour each way in toronto rush hour. so we continued our deconstruction of the human digestive system like nobodies business.

steph had just gathered customer testimonials in preparation for the launch of her new line of supplements. There was one women that was so backed up, that each breath, each burp smelt like her asshole. she took stephs detox system and shed her body of ten pounds of crap almost instantly. talk about lightening the load.

although i thought this story was totally disgusting (but in a good way), not everyone at the table took to our choice of subject matter. i dont know why people get so uncomfortable when the number two comes up. i think the whole idea of it is pretty hilarious and amazing even. mainly because its one of the few things we all have in common. everybody poops.

Matt Damon Gets Scared Too

It terrifies me to think that John McCain, the 72 year-old "Maverick" with a history of recurring melanoma, may be the next President of the United States. It is even more terrifying to think if he croaks, Sarah "The Impaler" Palin will take over as Commander-in-Chief. Matt Damon is also terrified. Speaking candidly to the Associate Press the Oscar winner shares his concerns and palaeontological views:

Damon makes some great points, but the interview stops short. I wonder if he made some generalization about Republican voters? Maybe he goes on to talk about the faulty electronic voting systems we employ and entrust? How about the fact that Republicans are now playing the sexism card? Will there be another Bourne film? What about Palin's abuse of power trial in Alaska that has been postponed until after the November elections? Or Maybe not. Anyway, here is something funny to distract us from impending doom:

The British Are a Funny Lot

This morning I was reading BBC News online. While perusing the Entertainment section I came across this article, "Spice Girls reunion beats Led Zep." Since when does Vodafone have it's own awards show? Vodafone Live Music Awards? WTF? The British really are a funny lot. The Spice Girls beat out Led Zeppelin for "Best Live Return," probably because they are still hot and not old, sorry Page & Plant. Songs like "Stairway to Heaven", "Good Times, Bad Times," and "Whole Lotta Love" will never compare to Spice Girls classics like "Wannabe," "2Become1," and "Spice Up Your Life." It's mind-bottling, really. Who do those rock veterans think they are?

It seems like music award shows grow on trees across the pond. Here's a short list: Vodafone Live Music Awards, Mojo Awards, NME Awards, Kerrang! Awards, Q Awards, et al. Not to mention all the cross-over MTV awards. I mean, seriously people, are you really awarding prizes like Best Live Return or Best Act in the World Today? Come to think of it, it seems like some of these award shows are more meaningful than the Grammy Awards. What do you think? Generally speaking, real musicians are being nominated and, believe it or not, winning: AHHHHH! SHRIEK! GASP! Even so, now on it's third year, Vodafone Live Music Awards is still as pop-culturally dependent and irrelevant as ever. And yes, I did try to get tickets to the Spice Girls Reunion Tour.

fuck off: so hot right now

what is this world coming to where fuck off is the go-to statement. in the last 2 weeks i have encountered the fuck off in pretty much every scenario i can even think of. where do we see these various f-bombs dropping these days? ah, well i shall tell you:

1. politics
in christopher buckley's semi-recent/ semi-relevant novel Boomsday where presidential candidate (pretty, rich and admirable candidate for generation X) Randolph Kumberling Jepperson IV rebuts the rambling MCain'esque character with a simple fuck off, hailing uprorious approval from his under-30 followers.
2. IM conversations
who knew that a conversation between two lady roommates and best friends talking about who is going to pick up the paper that's going to wipe their communal asses could end in a fuck off? well, me and miss stevie found this out today. don't worry, no one was left in the dog-house.
3. tee shirts
yeah, this was just a ploy to say my new favorite saying again; fuck off sarah palin!
4. the boardroom
well, all i can say is that when one exec says to another, fuck off the walls, they shake. ahem- coffee break anyone?

and with that, my day comes to an end. and, who am i kidding with the "what is the world coming to?" this is great news... we were all thinking it before, i suppose now we just have the balls to say it.

www.fuckoffsarahpalin.com

this shit is too funny.
buy your very own fuck off sarah palin tee today while supplies last. i have a feeling this one is going to be very popular. im thinking they should offer up some kind of free give-a-way with purchase. buy a tee shirt and get plan b for free!

environmental consciousness...who knew?

now, usually when talking about new york my one big scowl is directed at its seeming inability to think about the environment (look forward to a rant in a later post). but, this saturday new york is proving me wrong by making an effort! join the fit and friendly of new york in the bicycle for a day event taking place at the south street seaport. from 10am - 5pm matthew modine and other celebrity do-gooders will be hosting a day of entertainment and live music, and all for the low low price of NOT using gas.

nyc memory map

if my memory is a good example (and i hope its not) i have a feeling others have the issue of failing to remember "that great place" that you went to one time, or that someone told you about, etc etc. well, here is a fine little new yorker's memory map of great places to eat drink etc. in the city... do take a look and jog your memory. and, post a comment of any you think should be added:


View Larger Map

topic of the day: FLASH!

last night i tried flash for the first time and damn is that program fun. now, i cannot do too much yet, but it sure is fun makin circles fly and bump around the screen and turn in to buttons! circles, you rock. two points for being symmetrical.

best map ever: soda/pop/coke drinkers unite.

i am a big proponent of the word pop. personally, i think it sounds way funnier than soda.

b is for bri and brie.

gnarls barkley is the man

going on




who's gonna save my soul?

its monkey monday.

and i want to show you my monkey.

now, don't get me wrong, i like a good monkey-showing, but we're talking art here. as ms. stevie was explaining, we have a wonderfully talented and inspiring guest staying at the house of many s's. and she has certainly brought out our inner ink.

rvca's artist network makes me smile.

andrew pommier

david choe

arts and crafts at south second.

robyn came down to visit nicks and me before shipping herself and the two suitcases that contain her life cross country to vancouver.

i love that she has absolutely no itinerary and even less desire to visit the statue of liberty or walk down 5th avenue or visit times square just to see the billboards. instead, we have spent the last few days doing arts and crafts, while drinking, smoking, talking and listening to our mix tape for young hearts. brilliant.

here are a couple of my master pieces. haha. havent picked up a paint brush in years. feels like high school again.

a is for apple.






















purple monster doodle.

the super cool adventures of evan the pre school hipster

at first, i gave an honest attempt at taking notes at work. getting every detail. but after listening to power point presentations 9 to 5, day in/day out, for weeks, i became delirious from the boredom. i figured drawing cute hair cuts on evan was a better alternative to poking myself.

watch out...

...'cause we're comin.

diet coke tastes better in the morning.

after curing a morning of doing absolutely nothing with an oversized bagel, recovering from a night of romantic confusion and way too many cc and diet's, i decided it was time for a change. nicks and i raised the volume on our favorite playlists and rearranged our habitats into perfect spaces. taking advantage of every inch. starting fresh. i was struck with an herbal lift of motivation this am, until about 82% of the way through i remembered just how much i hate folding and packing away. i decided that the pile of clothes added enough to the motif that any further efforts were pretty pointless. watching half a season of gossip girl was a clear winner anyway.

i was so proud of my efforts that i decided i would treat myself to a nice date for two, for one. i picked up some nice cheeses from the local shop; the really potent kind that i can never remember the name of as soon as i get home. i even splurged for the over priced jar of preserved plums and a nice bottle of wine. i truly enjoy a solid night of drinking alone with good food and cable. screw sharing.

as could have been predicted, i got pretty wasted, pretty quickly. when you have no one to talk to, you just end up smoking unnecessary amounts of cigarettes and filling the silence by anxiously chugging back your nice wine. it was probably a bad idea to leave the house in such a state. i was further warned when i could barely walk without running into the few trees lining brooklyns street and fences marking entrances on route to a friends place. but, i persevered and made it to my destination in one cigarette and without puking. it seemed like a winning night.

walking into a room of very few, totally sober people, when drunk, can be incredibly awkward. all that confidence i had mustard by just making it there, completely dissipated. it reminded me of when i voted in the last election. i walked into the local church completely spaced, having forgotten an hour before that my mom was taking me to vote that night. i got so excited to contribute to the political make up of my country that i went right for the booth. it took me a min to figure out why the cardboard voting area, empty, but a miniature pencil, had no idea who i was. this older women with a moustache was kind enough to walk me through protocol. im pretty sure my mom thought i was suddenly retarded.

i managed to pull off sober pretty well that night, i thought. although, my memory may have just been deluded from the bottle of wine and half a six pack. who really knows. either way, i made it through teen witch before wearing out my welcome and stumbling back home, alone, with even more effort than the first time.

i finished my last cigarette, hoping not to get mugged and remembered that i had a whole new world to come home to. no magic carpet or funny genie, but still pretty awesome. i passed out half naked, wrapped perfectly in my corduroy comforter. my sleep felt like butter on popcorn. until, like most nights of heavy drinking, i woke up craving something of substance. diet coke being the usual suspect. at 5 am, half wasted and half conscience, water is the enemy. it doesnt even taste like anything. only the sweet satisfaction of bubbly pop will suffice. i rose with purpose forgetting that my life had been completely rearranged, and walked half naked into my wall, mistaking it for my exit. in a drunken epiphany, i was reminded that with change it takes time to adjust.

hannah takes the stairs

australian crush

it doesn't even bother me that this isn't an original series, and really that most of the winners in nbc's line up are second rounds of anther countries poster child. i love Australians. accents are just fucking hot and i am a huge supporter of recycling. go mother earth. im just excited to see selma blair once a week sporting endless variations of neon living in suberban hell. i remember thinking she was the shit in zoe, duncan, jack and jane...until i googled it and then this is where the internet will seriously ruin perfectly good memories from the 90's for you. it was a similar moment to when i realized that stephanie tanner was kind of a nerd and really not that hot. you move past your nestaligic crushes almost everytime you attempt to revist them. my advice is to just stay away.

paris hilton is actually funny.

do you just have to be rich to be a presidential candidate...it can't hurt. celebrity fame at it's best.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

what's going on obama

no biting. just politics.

women.

femininity and pot psychology... can you go wrong?


strong enough for a man; but made for a woman:
www.jezebel.com


"Why Are Lesbians Always Fatter Than Straight Women?" from Pot Psychology on Vimeo.

obey the pug

Dunno. Maybe it's just me, but that is a good looking poster...

obeythepug.com