dont poop your pants

so much for exerting yourself though routine visits to the gym. reserve your mornings for sleeping in. you can now afford to hit the snooze button a few more times, grab a coffee, read the paper and make small talk with your friendly and unemployed neighbour.

just watch you dont poop your pants.

its not to say that the fear of shitting yourself isnt sufficient motivation to skip the fries and get a salad, but honestly, is this what we have resorted to? making ourselves vulnerable to a socially crippling situation just to shed those last 10 pounds we reluctantly became friends with in freshman year. i do give alli credit for just putting it out there. so when your sitting at work, mindlessly typing away at your computer and you uncontrollably fill your pants with the mornings breakfast, you cant say you didnt see it coming.

MSNBC: Diet pill’s icky side effects keep users honest

now that we are on the topic of poop, because it is not something you can just bring up whenever you want, when opportunity strikes i like to take full advantage...

i came across this gem of a diagram on wikipedia. seriously, wikipedia what cant you help me with? can you imagine being the young and inspired designer who was commissioned to mock up heaton and lewis' seven varieties of human shit. the title for this well sculpted diagram: entirely liquid. i couldnt have said it better myself.

but pooping these days is serious business. i went to school with the daughter of a shopping channel superstar and founder of one of those muscle massaging machines that you hook up to and effortlessly lose weight, tone and massage those hard to reach places. steph and i were at a dinner, more like an extended interview, for a marketing job at some multinational pop company. im sure we were enjoying the free wine a little too much, because we casually got on the topic of the importance of bowl movements. we talked about shitting like we were fucking experts.

its probably a bad career move and just poor manners to start talking about poo at the dinner table. But the office wasnt even in the city and i couldnt see myself living in the suburbs or commuting an hour each way in toronto rush hour. so we continued our deconstruction of the human digestive system like nobodies business.

steph had just gathered customer testimonials in preparation for the launch of her new line of supplements. There was one women that was so backed up, that each breath, each burp smelt like her asshole. she took stephs detox system and shed her body of ten pounds of crap almost instantly. talk about lightening the load.

although i thought this story was totally disgusting (but in a good way), not everyone at the table took to our choice of subject matter. i dont know why people get so uncomfortable when the number two comes up. i think the whole idea of it is pretty hilarious and amazing even. mainly because its one of the few things we all have in common. everybody poops.